the pre marital problem

Katanya menjelang hari pernikahan selalu ada aja cobaannya. Well,,, its true!. I'd experienced one particular that made question again the point of being married. Torn between continue and cancelled.

Persoalannya justru datang disaat we are doing ok. We fight of course on small stuff, the invitation,the everything-every couple-needs to prepare. Tiba2 aja dpt mslh, mslh yang selama ini merusak prinsip saya. Yah...ini prinsip saya. Kalo macam2 end, then tiba tiba juga Allah kasih masalah yg mempertanyakan prinsip saya, apakah saya tetap berpegang dlm prinsip atau saya harus modifikasi prinsipnya....

dalam satu hari,dalam satu jam,dalam satu menit,dalam satu detik semua cerita bisa berubah. Hanya dengan sebuah telp di sore hari, di saat akan bertemu dengan pasangan semua cerita itu berubah. Dari senyum menjadi tangis untuk hari hari ke depannya.

Cerita itu tidak ada prolognya, tiba - tiba... everything i believe in, everything i expected, everything  destroyed in matters of time.

Dan seketika itu juga, semua membuka tangan, menjadi drama. saya orang yang paling ga suka drama, harus berdrama, harus kembali tertatih membangun piece by piece. Tiba -tiba juga semua menjadi bersimpati, saat yang tepat untuk menangkap saya ketika jatuh.

i spent my time by thinking over, not listen to everyone, just my heart,yeah.. so corny right?
but someone tells me if you dont suffer, if you both dont suffer because of this, then you are not in love with him, you still don`t know how to love someone other than yourself.

and others will scream.. Respect yourself! respect the relationship..

with my previous past, i tend to let myself lost in relationship therefore i dont have respect to myself.
i admit it this problem is matters of respect in different ways to hurt. But this time i need to ask myself how i can appreciate myself. how to recover. how to forgive and let alone forget.

so many things i had to go through, open every memory, where did i miss? how did i miss? how ho could do that to me?

as time passed, as i tried to shut myself from environment and put on happy fake face.

i opened dialogue to GOD ..

i said " ALLAH SWT, the Almighty, please forgive me, please have mercy on me, on us, on everything that we think its right but it`s wrong. I don`t wanna ask why this happened to me,
i just want to say, i couldn`t handle the pain of being hurt anymore as i never can take any pain caused by others. so therefore, i asked YOU for giving me strength, for giving me speed recovery while i`m trying to learn how to forgive and forget. Please please give me strength, if he`s not the one for me, the one who saved me and the one who will not lead me to your blessing, spare me the pain and let me walk and forgive"

and the more i repeat, the more i suffer, i could feel the pain on my chest.. like really hurt.

for some reason.. now.. we are ok. we are doing our best to make things work. Of course, trust issue is still become problem but then our intention to get married is because of ALLAH, and that`s what we are going to do..

lalu.. saya ceritakan ini ke teman saya, dan dia sangat kecewa ( mungkin) dengan keputusan saya.
lalu saya blg " keinginan menikah, bukan karena kepepet umur, bukan karena udah terlanjur, bukan karena semua udah dipersiapkan dan bukan karena cinta mati, tapi karena gue sama dia cuma punya niat baik untuk melakukan pernikahan, dan jika hal ini gak kejadian di dia, mungkin di gue, tapi sudahlah,, doakan saja yang terbaik, dan bukan artinya memaafkan, tapi lebih belajar lagi menghargai dan mengerti,, bukan artinya juga gue tidak berdoa. justru,,, mungkin keyakinan ini yang menjadi jawabannya. tentu ketakutan itu akan selalu ada, tpi gue punya Tuhan. itu aja. Cliche.. but true.."

and my boss said.." your problem, is not only this,, this is only the beginning"

and so.. yeah... let us work .. let us try..